"Melanie, you are a contradiction and you are confusing and frustrating."
A new friend said that. Which is why he's my new friend. I like that level of honesty, and anyone who feels comfortable saying that to me after a few weeks of interaction online, is OK in my book.
And of course, he's right. I am. What's more I have no intention of changing.
Consider the evidence. I rant constantly about ethics, against the throwaway shallowness of modern society, against environmental vandalism, against unbridled capitalism, and so on...and I make my living selling unnecessary stuff imported from China.
I go without sleep in order to have time to study online courses that give me no credits, and are de facto "worthless" for all practical purposes, and even if they led to a degree, I would have no intention of using it, as I'm virtually unemployable due to my rebellious nature and personal beliefs and attitudes, and I criticize modern education to the nth anyway.
I write ceaselessly but never get round to publishing anything. I'm an organic gardener/farmer who believes self-sufficiency in our climate is a fantasy, and that if civilization collapses, I may not starve to death but the situation is still hopeless because it's not the government you should fear but your fellow citizens. I believe in democracy but don't vote, and my politics are best described as eclectic. I am neither a theist nor an atheist, and I'm not even an agnostic. I say offensive things about religion, and then study it hungrily.
And I preach tolerance and positivity but I'm grouchy about all sorts of things, picky about others, and just plain rude about some.
I like caviar and I like ketchup. But not together.
And that's who I am. I'm me.
And you're you.
And everyone is whoever they are. And we're all different. And we're all worthy.
I really don't care if I don't fit somebody's stereotype. That's their problem, not mine. I'm the one who has to live with me. I'm the only one there in the middle of the night when the conscience is at its loudest, and I run my life to make sure I sleep soundly instead. It's my conscience, not yours and I'll deal with it.
You won't ever fully understand me, and you don't have to. Understanding is a journey, not a destination. It's a partial thing, an effort. It is to listen properly, and accept that it is enough to try.
And while I'm at it, I demand that you afford that level of understanding to everyone.