Freedom to be an Arsehole

Some years ago, I think maybe in the 80s, I became aware of the word assertive. It was new to me at the time. It described me very well, and therefore I liked it, but it wasn't being used as a compliment for me.

I came across it because people were taking "assertiveness courses" sometimes but not always offered through places of work. It was a trend, I think. Wasn't something I needed so I didn't pay much attention.

What I discovered was that people were confusing "assertive" with "arsehole." Maybe they were already arseholes but now they were confident arseholes, outspoken arseholes, in your face arseholes.

What this assertiveness training did, in effect, was encourage the ME, ME, ME attitude these folk had never shaken off from childhood.

This is the "Me First" attitude that causes drivers to think they own the road, that causes people to push to the front in any crowd, or even line, that causes neighbours to park in front of your driveway, that causes parents to insist their kid gets more play time on the team.

And it's the mindset that says "My needs come first, so you don't matter."

What we have here in fact is the Altruism scale.

Just as with saying too much or too little, there is a balance on this scale. There is Selfish at one end and Sucker at the other. It's also an area where we tend to be very quick to offer advice.

"You are letting people push you around, you're too soft, you should stand up for yourself."

or

"You are so selfish, you should think of other people."

Can you see either of these statements working? No, neither can I.

People don't take criticisms and "shoulds" well, and you can't really expect them to.

You could try "Ever thought of considering the other guy?" and variations on that, but it may not work any better.

Oh yes, I have told people "you are an arsehole." Certainly. But unless they are ready to hear it, they won't.

And I have told people along the lines of:

"It is your absolute right to be an arsehole."

Because it is. One of the last remaining freedoms, after all of the others are taboo or illegal, is the freedom to be selfish, spiteful, cruel, nasty, or just thoughtless.

Like anything else, it's a choice. Like many choices it's often not made from careful analysis, but from expediency, ease, habit, example, and general negativity. I don't think anyone consciously decides to be an arsehole, I hope not anyway.

What about the other extreme, who chooses to be a pushover? Some people definitely decide that on balance they'd rather be too soft than too hard, and it's a conscious choice, but there are also those who just allow themselves to be manipulated.

I have noticed a peculiar thing. People who are manipulative can often be easily manipulated too. I've noticed this in Vampira, the pseudonym for an inlaw one of my kids has to deal with. Vampira is a pushover, but also assumes everyone else is. Hmm, yes. you don't need to be assertive to be an arsehole.