1. Be positive.
2. If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything.
So, generally, if #1 fails you, you can resort to silence. Unless you can't.
When somebody asks you directly "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" there is no time, or wiggle room.
I was pushed for an opinion this morning. I can't think of anything nice to say and I can only put off the reply for so long.
If you are an expert at this positive stuff, I commend you. I do quite well most of the time, but when I fail I truly fail. And I won't lie. I will not tell somebody that a thing looks great if I hate it. That seems to me to be so very wrong, I just won't do it. I try, hard, to find something positive to say.
After all, if I don't like the style, I can say nice things about the colour, or vice versa.
But what if I hate everything about it?
The problem comes therefore, when your non-answer speaks volumes. When, in fact, your failure to say anything is really loud.
The extra problem is, I can take it. If you say to me "Well, I wouldn't wear it personally" or "It's not to my tastes, but..." I am fine. In fact if you say "YEUK" I don't care. Most people know they can say "YEUK" to me, so sometimes they do. This is a good thing.
But not everyone is like that. Their feelings get hurt EVEN if you say "Well, it's not really my kind of thing..." That much is enough to crumple them. And yet, these are the very people who prod and poke and seek opinions.
GAH.
There will be no link here. I'm pretty sure the person concerned doesn't read my blog, but I'm not taking any chances. I really do care about the feelings of others, I just don't know how to preserve them.
I am not good at tiptoeing around feelings either.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why sensitive people SEEK OUT opinions. If an unsolicited opinion hurts their feelings, then I blame the critic. That was uncalled for. But they ask, and they persist in asking. What are we supposed to do?
DeleteWe understand that we are dealing with a heavy duty inferiority complex and that honesty is not what they are requesting. They are seeking validation and the complex is so large that everything about them is a request for that validation as a worthy human being. It is hard to understand when you don't suffer from this condition but in order to be human and compassionate, we have to try. Yes, even if it means a white lie. There's nothing to be gained hurting or damaging an already injured/damaged psyche. They won't learn to have more confidence, the truth will only cause more pain. It doesn't mean you need wax poetic about something ghastly - just a simple compliment on...oh..I don't know - the buttons? Maybe the fabric? With some imagination and ingenuity, something positive can be found. Our own opinion is only important to ourselves anyway. Nobody asks for a compliment if they don't, for some reason, NEED it.
DeleteYou are absolutely correct, but why does my imagination go on vacation at those times? I look like a fish. Mouth opens, closes, nothing comes out.
DeleteI usually fall back on "interesting choice" as an answer. If they ask for an explanation of my answer, I will say that I find it fascinating the diversity of human nature and the choice of individuals. That usually stifles the need for a more in depth answer and preserves the feelings of the individual.
ReplyDeleteOh do you think so? I have always thought "interesting" was a synonym for "WTF?" LOL
DeleteI try to make some humorous diversion that leaves them unsure whether it was a complement or criticism. ... let them decide.
ReplyDeleteGood points all of them. I don't really have a problem with telling it like it is, when it comes to clothes, I am not a fashion guru, my closet staples are t-shirts, sweatshirts and jeans, but I still know what looks good and what doesn't especially when it comes to body type; the fit is the main goal. The best route to avoid hurting someone's feelings, when they are seeking your opinion, is to suggest that they give themselves more than one choice, then if you must choose, go with the best out of two or three. If you are not asked for your opinion, keep your mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteI have learned a lot in having a daughter, I have to be honest I hate shopping with her! As a parent I suggest guidelines for her body type, for example, no horizontal stripes (the broad look broader), no boob crack (school appropriate), can you breathe and move?, and white makes everyone look bigger than they are. We go around and around sometimes, but I would rather have the argument than her closet full of inappropriate and ill fitting clothing that she never wears.
Sometimes I read your blogs and think "Why is she not on television already"?
ReplyDeleteBut of course, that would be a waste of material. The people who appreciate it read.
Unfortunately television is a fake world where women are supposed to be just so. They'd choose my clothes, they'd "fix" my hair, they'd slather me in make-up. Fuck that shit. I write because I can be me. But my boys are trying to get me to do vlogs because apparently I'm funnier live. So you never know.
DeleteFrankly I think it is a self esteem issue. I do not seek out opinions. When I buy something or wear something I buy it or wear it because I like it. The approval of others is not required nor desired. Unsolicited negativity can be ignored but I think it rude to offer up a negative opinion. It is one of those if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all. However, for those who do ask for an opinion I can only assume an honest opinion is actually requested. I am baffled and confused by those who are looking for affirmation. I have come to learn however, that is what people usually want when they seek opinions.
ReplyDeleteI've learned to go with the line, "It's not my taste, but if you like it, go with it." If the person cannot figure out whether they like how it looks, it's not my place to say. Otherwise, I'm honest and say what's good and bad about it. They choice is always theirs to make. ~ Blessings! :)
ReplyDeleteI don`t get this. The person ASKS? And then is offended if an honest opinion is given? Sigh. Sign them up for de-sensitivity training.
ReplyDeleteI can tiptoe around issues easily although I don't like to do so - my mother always said that one must have a gift of gab to be able to protect oneself. I've also known people who were much more sensitive than I about taking criticism of any sort.
ReplyDeleteYears ago when a girlfriend asked my opinion of her fiancé-to-be I gave it in complete candour because he really was a slime-ball who had seduced other women (including myself). Blinded by her (supposed) love and jealousy she gave me a verbal beat-down which caused me to just throw up my hands in disgust and walk away.