On the one hand, my essence, my philosophy, my id, my basic nature is a smiling, calm, loving person who talks to butterflies. Om.
On the other hand, I am very much "alive", not just living, and I am an extrovert who likes to swear and dance, and tell it like it is.
These two conflict.
When I yell instead of breathe slowly and deeply, when I carouse instead of meditate, I use the excuse, to myself, that at least I'm not grumpy. I'm not a negative person. I'm not an angry person.
But I am a getting things done person, and I've never been any good at just letting the waters flow around me ALL of the time.
Oh, I pick my battles, you'd better believe it. Raising a family taught me that. I do know when to just let it go.
But when it matters, when I just can't be that Buddha, because things are going to go to shit if somebody doesn't do something, I will often wade in and be that person.
AND......I am cool with the fact that I have a dual attitude, because it's normal, human, and probably a good thing. Too laid back and you're just lazy, actually.
What I am not cool with is the expectations of others, who seem to think I can be, SHOULD BE, only one or the other. That is to say, my frustration is that I am damned for not being one-dimensional.
It frustrates me because all around me I see people who are moody, capricious, unpredictable, and frankly unstable, but I have to fit neatly into THEIR pre-conceived ideas of me?
The best part is, it's usually the pot calling the kettle black.
The people I admire most are those who are mature to the point of gallant, but can also get the giggles.
One or the other is not enough. She's fun, but that's all she is. There's no substance there. And she doesn't know when to stop. And if you need her to be reliable or wise, you're asking too much. He's a clever guy, and great to have around in a crisis, but he's as dull as ditchwater.
We all agree the world needs all types of people, but we also need well-rounded combination people, right?
Combining wise and funny is therefore seen as a good thing. I KNOW I'm not alone in valuing that.
So why can't I be "chill" AND outspoken? Why am I expected to be one or the other?